Secret Crush

I have a confession to make. I never even told my best friend this.

In high school, my best friend had a crush on this guy who was a year older than us. He was good-looking, rich and a jock. He was popular in school and a lot of girls had a crush on him. My best friend was head over heels for this guy. She kept telling me all the things she loved about him. So whenever I see him in the hallway or something, I can't help but be aware of him. Then this awareness grew into something I can't quite put a label on. It's like I was starting to like this guy, too. I even fancied myself in love with him but that's just silly because who could love someone they don't even know, right? But I never told my best friend this. Maybe I was afraid that it'd cause a rift between us or maybe I thought that I'd eventually get over it so I didn't tell her. And now years has passed and we're in different places now but I'm still affected whenever I see his pictures in a social networking site.
*I'm happy to say I don't have a crush on him anymore. :D

I'm reminded by this quote but I can't recall the exact words. It goes something like this: My friends ask me what I see in him and I smile and say nothing because I don't want them falling in love with him, too.

Paintbrush

Paintbrush

Bettie B. Young

I keep my paintbrush with me

Wherever I may go

In case I need to cover up

So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid go show you me,

Afraid of what you'll do- that 

You might laugh or say mean things.

I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove the paint coats

To show the real true me,

I want you to try and understand

I need you to accept what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close you eyes, 

I'll strip off all coats real slow

Please understand how much it hurts

To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.

I feel naked, bare, and cold,

And if you still love me with all that you see,

You are my friend, pure as gold.

Do we ever really know a person?

Attention and Existence

We all secretly wish that we could be someone amazing, famous, beautiful and unique. We'd like to be in the spotlight or at least let some people know of our existence. Others would do anything just to get that attention even if it meant making a complete fool of themselves. We all want to stand out.

There are people who seem completely at ease with everyone watching their every move. They are confident in what they do and they seem to be born to do it. They don't have a hard time getting people's attention and this is partly because they're attractive.

But there are others, too, who seem completely content just staying there in the corner. The quiet people who have no desire being the center of attention. They seem to have life figured out. And at times, they do get noticed by those around them. They're noticed for a lot of things-could be because of their timidity or the awesome-ness of being modest and kind or simply their quiet presence growing on people and finding them endearing.

And there are others too who wants to stand out but can't. The ones who'd like to be different, be amazing, popular and unique but end up blending in and be like everyone else. These are the people who lack the confidence to do just that. They want to stand out but is afraid of what'll happen when they do get there.

Query 3

What do you have handy at your bedside?

I guess it'd have to be my phone? It serves me many purposes. I can use it as a flashlight, as an alarm clock and as  a writing tool for when an idea strikes me in the middle of the night. 

I know I said I'd at least try to write something every month last year but I don't think I'm gonna be able to do that this year. I've been so busy and I haven't been able to think of anything to post except these queries I've taken up. The sad part is that I've been busy watching TV or going through my facebook newsfeed. It would be understandable if I said I've been busy with school but that's not the case. I seem to spend one hour in facebook just looking at stuff and liking some pictures. Not good. I could have done something more useful with that time. I guess I haven't gotten over the long holiday break. How I wish I could just relax!

Christmas 2013

Yes. It's that time of the year again-one of my favorites: Christmas!

Where did all the days go? It seems only yesterday when it was only January '13 and I was still trying to get used to it and now it's December and another year is ending. I swear, time sure does fly fast!

Here's a Christmas song for this year: Santa Baby by Taylor Swift

And just like last year, I'm gonna post my wishlist for this Christmas. I hope I get to have them all.

1. A black blazer. I could really use one for different occasions depending on how it's styled. I don't have one yet and I'm sure it'll come in handy someday. 

2. A sweater. It's December, a.k.a. sweater weather. We don't really have snow here but who cares? I want one and it gets cold from time to time that a sweater will surely keep me warm.

3. Anna and the French Kiss. This has been in my booklist for a long time now. I want to read it already! The same goes for...

4. ...The Book Thief. Strange enough, bookstores here don't seem to have an available copy of it. I hope when I next visit a bookstore, they'll have one.

5. Denim skirt. I just have this feeling that I'm gonna need one from now on.

Merry Christmas everyone! 

Query 2

What's the best advice you'd give to yourself today?

The best advice I can probably give to myself today would be to start really living life. All I've done so far is stick to the rules because it's safe and comfortable. I simply exist in this world, living each day with the mindset of just making it through the day unscathed. It's time I start making something out of life even if it means breaking a few rules because that's where the fun usually is. Life ain't fun without a few complications and troubles. 

Free as a Bird

Too often the thought that I'm free to do anything crosses my mind. There are no chains weighing me down to go places. There are no walls stopping me from doing things. The truth is the only thing standing between me and what I want to do is myself. It's so cliche, I know, but it's the truth.

I always find excuses as to why I can't do it yet. I console myself by thinking that someday in the near future, I'll be able to do just that because by then I'll have the resources I'll need. But who am I kidding? What does the future hold for me if I don't do anything now? I'll never grow and learn if I don't do something. I'm just wasting time.

You see, I envision myself trying out new things. Like I would try out yoga or baking or jogging or going on road trips! But I seem to always put them off for later. And my personality and attitude aren't really helping me out to achieve these things. I'm the shy type and kind of a masochist in a way. I'd just about tolerate anything if I can help it. I let opportunities pass me by.

So every once in a while, the thought that I am free do to anything crosses my mind and I'm struck by how very true it is. I mean I could do just about anything if I acted on it. The problem was I'd rather have things be handed to me than me going for them. Sad truth. I keep on wishing and wishing that I'll change but it wouldn't matter in the least if I don't try on acting on it. But I could always wish for a miracle.

Query 1

My mind has become idle. It's too lazy to think. In turn, I've become so complacent about everything. I don't care for anything anymore and I have not been productive. I haven't let myself go through anything troublesome just to accomplish something. I let things run its course or I rely on others to do things for me. And I know this is wrong. That's why I've come up with an idea and bought a Query? (cards with thought provoking questions) from Papemelroti.

I never think outside the box. I always stay on the familiar and safe side. So with this game, I hope I can stimulate my brain to think more and I'd be able to come up with fun and out-of-this-world answers. Here goes Query 1: A mad scientist is going to switch all your body parts except one, which body part will you choose to keep?

I'd like to keep my legs to where it already is because I'd like to go to places. My greatest dream in life is to travel the world and I'd like to do that with my legs letting me walk around. 

Take that Jump

I remember this one time when my family and I went to a waterfall place. It was a beautiful place. There were other people there so it was kind of crowded. There was also this big rock by the river. Some were standing on it, waiting for there turn to jump into the water. I saw this boy jumped to the water without any hesitation. Then he went for the rock again.

I, on the other hand, was too scared to try (Need I say that some were younger than me?). But I found myself standing on it. I guess I was curious enough to try but I stayed there for a long time. I couldn't jump. I just stood there staring at the water thinking of a million things that could go wrong. I mean, what if the water was not deep enough and I got hurt? What if I drown? So many "What if?" ran in my mind. I was held up by fear. Anyway, I stood there for a long time. People were jumping and coming back for more while I just stood there.

I finally gathered the courage to do it. I moved to the edge, took a deep breath, and then took that jump. I let out a small scream and shut my eyes tight. I felt great. I finally did it. I conquered my fear. And all the worries were for nothing. I wanted to do it again. But when I resurfaced, I heard my parents calling it was time to go. When I knew I had to go, I felt confused. Should I be happy that I managed to conquer it? That I was able to overcome something like that? Or should I feel regret? Regret because it took me so long to just do it. Had I just taken that jump without any worrying, would I be doing it several times over by then?

All Skin

The kind of environment we are in affects our appearance. Okay, maybe it's general knowledge that a place will have an effect on people's appearance but I can't seem to get over that fact. I mean Americans have a different skin type from the Koreans and they are different from the Filipinos, too. I can't help but notice how people of a certain descent moves to live in another country and when they come for a visit in their home country, they look different. You'd actually know they weren't from around there. And then we also have people living in the same country but have different kinds of appearances. There would be people who have dark, dirty skin I see in a lot of street people. There are also people who looks a certain look. And there are these people who look like they came from somewhere else because they seem to have the perfect look like the ones you'd see in movies. They have the perfect skin.

I don't know. Maybe it's because of social status; not only because of the genes. Like the kind of upbringing one had, the food one eats and the clothes one can afford have something to do with how one looks. Or maybe it's all about taking good care of one's health and having the right confidence. I don't know if what I'm writing makes sense but I seem to notice that some people have this look that I wish I could achieve. It's all in the skin really. As I'd like to put it: "Anybody with good skin can look good in anything."