Old and New

As a new graduate who's about to take the board exams, I find myself thinking of the future that I'm becoming more keenly aware of but I always draw a blank page. I've no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea who or what I wanna be. I'm confused. I'm lost. I know I can't escape being an adult but all I want to do is run away from my responsibilities. I want to go back to being a child who doesn't have a care in the world. Heck, I AM someone who doesn't care about what's going on around me but in my situation now, it's quite unacceptable since it is expected of me to be a person who is socially aware-someone who should contribute to society.

However, as I think about the future, I also can't help thinking back to the past. The biggest thorn I'm carrying right now is my relationship with my brother. I don't have a good relationship with him. It's been like that for almost 3 years now, I think. It started with a petty fight which I admit was my fault. A series of events happened thereafter which led to our own cold war. Our pride prevents us from mending things and this is making me sad.

Looking back I find myself to be the same person as I was before. There have been slight improvements here and there but overall, I'm still the pretentious little girl I've always been. I had hoped I'd mature from my experiences but I'm still a selfish girl who can't truly care for others. It's one of my greatest frustrations. I really want to be genuine to others and to myself but somehow there's always this wall that's keeping me from showing my true emotions. I want to be someone who puts others first before my wants but I just don't know how. I mean, in my heart I truly want the best for them but my thoughts think the opposite. So much cynicism I just can't.

The only thing I'm sure about in my life is that I want to travel. I want to go places where nobody knows me and at the same time to be anywhere where I can potentially find myself.

Parents as Precious Presents

When we were young, we looked up on our parents like they were some kind of god. They were perfect in our eyes and they couldn't possibly do anything wrong. We grew up obeying them because we have this conviction that they know what's best. But at some point, we become disillusioned and we come to see that they have their shortcomings, too. We start noticing their flaws and mistakes. But this is no reason for children to lose their respect for their parents. There is no book in the world that tells them exactly how to raise children perfectly. Parents just do their best to give their children all they need. And that is enough reason for us to respect them. They are amazing. Imagine just how hard it is raising a kid! We should never forget to thank our parents for everything they have done. They may not have given us everything we wanted but believe me, they gave their all just to provide for us.

They say children are God's gifts to parents. But the same can be said for parents. They are precious gifts given to us. We should appreciate them more and take care of them, too. We wouldn't be where we are now if it weren't for them.

Christmas 2014

You know what's the most wonderful time of the year? 

Christmas.

There is just something about this holiday that brings people together. There is magic in the air and you can just tell that it's really Christmas! 

Here's a Christmas song for this year: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams

Unlike the past 2 years, I won't be posting my Christmas wishlist. I've bought way too many books for my own good and my wallet's crying right now. Haha! I'll accept anything that comes my way. :) Oh, and I've just received the most wonderful gift this year from my aunt. I am so grateful that I won't ask for anything more this year.

Merry Christmas!

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

"We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen."

"We are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments- but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken."

"Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back- and at some point everyone looks back- she will hear her heart saying, 'What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.'
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by."

"We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice."

"Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes even with themselves, battling with their own lives. So they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustrations. But the worst part is that they cannot present the play by themselves. So they begin to invite other actors to join in. Be careful. When you join in that game, you always wind up losing."

"Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown- even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to."

"The truth resides where there is faith."

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

"A scientist who studied monkeys on an island in Indonesia was able to teach a certain one to wash bananas in the river before eating them. Cleansed of sand and dirt, the food was more flavorful. The scientist- who did this only because he was studying the learning capacity of monkeys- did not imagine what would eventually happen. So he was surprised to see that the other monkeys on the island began to imitate the first one.
And then, one day, when a certain number of monkeys had learned to wash their bananas, the monkeys on all of the other islands in the archipelago began to do the same thing. What was most surprising, though, was that the other monkeys learned to do so without having had any contact with the island where the experiment had been conducted.
...when a certain number of people evolve, the entire human race begins to evolve."

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

"Dreams mean work."

Stagnant

I am at an age where I should be thriving, living the life, doing the things I want. I should be making fun memories that I can reminisce later on. But instead, my butt's stuck on the couch and I'm staring at a blank wall. I seem to be looking at life from where I'm sitting. I'm not actively participating in it. I've stopped trying and just let things fall wherever they may. This is bad. I've not made any effort at all to do something resembling close to productivity.

All the things I want to do I've set to a later time period with the excuse that I either don't have the money or I don't have the time right now. In the meantime, I just content myself with imagining all the things I'll do when the time comes which, let's face it, may or may never come.

I don't know when I've stopped trying. I just realized one day that I did. And I hope I'll find the drive to start living again. And this time for real.

Query 5

If you were given 3 wishes what would they be?

1. I wish to have all the books I want for free!

2. I wish for world peace. The world would be a better place if we all just get along and maybe then I wouldn't be so scared to be on my own.

3. I wish to travel the world! To go to all the places I want and more. 

Trapped

Trapped 

Kath Ponsford

I'm trapped, trapped inside myself, 

I want to get out, get out and be free

I don't want to live in my shell,

But I'm scared, scared to take away my mask.

Friends are forever letting me down,

No matter how close they are

They are there if I have a problem,

But when I don't, I may as well not exist. 

I want someone to trust and care about me, 

Someone to cry on and someone to listen

I want someone to love me for who I am,

Not the masked me whom everyone knows.

Unfortunately none of this can ever come true,

Not from someone on this earth anyway.

No one I know is perfect;

No one I know can fulfill this.

Except...

Someone I know who is watching down on everyone of us

He has a special plan and purpose for anyone who turns to Him.

There will still be hardship and sorrow,

But these will make you strong.

He can be trusted, He is ever so faithful.

He cares deeply about each person on this earth.

He can be cried upon, and will cry with you

He even puts each tear we cry in a bottle.

He is the best listener anyone could be

And most of all, He loves us for who we are

No matter what we have done.

"Who could do all this?" I hear you ask.

It's a very dear and special friend of mine called Jesus,

With whom I can take away my mask and be free.

One of the things I wish in life is that I could be myself. I wish I wasn't so scared of the people around me then maybe I'd have the courage to do as I please. And I hope that I'll be able to find someone whom I can be totally comfortable with. Someone who will understand me and accept all my flaws and weirdness. 

Anonymity

Anonymity. There is something to be desired about that. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been exactly open with my identity here.

Most of my life I have been a little recognizable. When I was young, I was a bit taller than the rest. During school years, I was smarter than the others. And now those two I've mentioned doesn't really separate me from the rest of the crowd anymore. Instead I now have something, which I can't easily get rid of, that makes me "stand out" a bit and it is not the pleasant kind of attention. And I won't say what it is.

The thing is, because of this something, people can easily remember me. With this in mind, I am more conscious of my actions because I keep thinking that they "know" me already. Whenever I go to the mall or walk around the neighborhood I feel that they are watching me. I may be over thinking this to the point that it makes me egocentric but I can't help it. If you must know, I'm not good at talking with people and I'm not comfortable being on my own when I'm out so I guess people may perceive me as someone weird or awkward when they see me out. I guess it wouldn't really matter much if I didn't have this something that makes me a little bit memorable.

It would be nice if I can be someone who would take someone else a few meetings in order to remember me. Heck, I could do a few reckless things and not worry if someone will be able to point me out! I know I'm not making much sense but if only... There is something to be desired about anonymity.

Query 4

If you were to pick one time of the day when you are most alive and active, what would it be?

I am most alive and active in the evening. When the day's about to end, that's usually the time I find myself alert and active and restless. Kind of like a vampire :)

At long last I'm back!

The Fault in Our Stars

"Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. And then there are books which you can't tell people about, books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal."

"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."

"I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once."

"Some tourists think that [Amsterdam] is a city of sin, but in truth it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin."

"People always get used to beauty, though."

"Everyone wants to lead an extraordinary life."

"It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you."

"You say you don't want pity, but your very existence depends upon it."

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."

"You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful."

"Grief does not change you. It reveals you."

"...that the voracious ambition of humans is never sated by dreams coming true, because there is always the thought that everything might be done better and again."

"The marks humans leave are too often scars."

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations."

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you."