A Pause

 Late night/early morning thoughts led me to recalling this blog. I can't believe I got back again after years! And while I'm not going to promise to continue writing (and I know I won't be able to), I'd just like to drop some thoughts here especially of what happened last year. 

2020 started out great for me. I've finally managed to go abroad for a vacation. I really thought it was the start of my great adventures. Had places to go to in the next few months. But who would've thought that all those travel plans would come to naught because of a virus. Not just any virus. It was a virus that brought many deaths across the world. I never imagined I'd live to experience a pandemic. No thanks to Covid-19. 

The world was put on hold last year. Flights stopped. Cities were in lockdowns. People were required to stay at home. The world outside became quiet. It brought many changes to the lives of people. Some lost their jobs. Others were forced to find other means of earning an income. Many started working from home. People started to pick up hobbies- home workouts, growing plants, baking, Tiktok. Wearing face masks became a norm. 

Personally, as someone who works in the hospital, life was not much different. I still went to work like any other day despite the city being on lockdown. The only difference was that the hospital and home (and the supermarket when supplies were diminishing) were the only places I went to. But the hospital faced many challenges during that period. There was a time when the hospital stopped admissions which you would never think of happening in a hospital. PPE's became a thing. And believe me when I say it was not easy. It's quite sad to think that people only ever appreciated the healthcare workers during this time. But I'm still grateful that they recognize our efforts. We were saving lives despite our own fears.

2020 taught us many things. On top of my list is to be grateful for good health. We've taken it for granted so much that we don't realize how important it is 'til we fall sick. I've seen how detrimental Covid-19 was to most people. Even before the pandemic we should've already realized how lucky we are to be able to go about in this world with no aches in the body and being able to appreciate it with all our senses intact. Do yourself a favor and take care of your body. Drink lots of water. Get enough sleep. Eat moderately. Exercise. It's always a good idea to invest in your body. 

Another thing 2020 taught me was to appreciate the most basic and most important things in life. When we were forced to stay in our homes, we realized that we could make do with what we already had. Yes, we couldn't go places, shop to our heart's content, go clubbing, etc. But stripped of these distractions, we were able to nurture personal relationships we had neglected. We learned to value our family and friends more. 

The world didn't really stop during the pandemic. Life moved on as it always has but we were given a pause. A time to reflect. We were given time to reflect on ourselves and work on ourselves to become better. 

We have not returned to the old days. But we are moving on to a new normal. Covid-19 still exists and will probably be always there like TB but we are also arming ourselves with ways to fight it off.  I don't know when we'll go back to the days of not wearing face masks and face shields but I do hope that it will come. Soon. 

Youth

Hi! It's been a while. It's been more than a year since I last visited this blog and now only a few weeks left 'til a new year begins. Life is funny, don't you think? Time keeps moving, waiting for nobody. It moves as it always has: forward, without stopping at all while we humans keep on struggling with life. I sometimes think we created concepts about time so as to have the illusion of being able to keep pace with life. We tell ourselves that time will heal all wounds or that there is a right time for everything when in fact it has nothing to do with time and has more to do with ourselves and our way of thinking. We can change things if we act on them. But in order to do so we will need a change in our way of thinking first. It's really amazing when we start seeing things in new perspectives. 

But I think I'm getting off topic here. What I want to talk is about YOUTH. As someone who has stripped the student status which I had for a long time and at the same time as someone who is tackling the life of a working woman, I find myself looking back on the years. It doesn't help that I'm fond of watching kdramas which happen to portray youth idyllically. I can't help but wish I had done more during my teenage years. To tell the truth, high school was not that great for me. Academically, I was good but not so much in other aspects. I couldn't express myself freely and felt awkward and uncomfortable around people. I was guarded and cautious. What I was afraid of, I don't know. I remember my friend giving a love letter to her crush (which I used to only see in manga/anime/shows) and as I look back on it now, I wish I had her courage. She was not afraid of rejection and had only done what she wanted to do. I wish I could also act on my feelings. Unlike her, I have so many regrets.

College was better. I found friends I could be myself and with whom I made fun and good memories with. But my studies were demanding and tough. I had a hard time balancing school, friends, family and other pursuits. In the end, I let go of some of my hobbies and found that I have not found what I am truly passionate about. I was more focused on my studies then to bother about anything else which I think is sad. This is not to say that my youth was wasted. There were many things I wish I could've done but there were also things I'm ever so grateful. 

But if I could give a message to my younger self, it is this: to enjoy youth. It’s only when you’re older and seeing the new generation of youths that you’ll realize it was the most beautiful, innocent, fearless and liveliest period of your life. Make the most of that time because you can never get it back once it passes by. Make sure you won’t look back regretting the things you didn’t do. Set your heart free. Don't hold back on your emotions.  Youth is a time where you can get away with most things, where you can do reckless but reasonable things, where you can freely express yourself any way you want without being held back by society’s restraints. It’s a time to enjoy life to the fullest. 

Don’t let fear stop you. Don’t let the fear of the unknown hinder you from exploring the world. Step out of your comfort zone and discover what life has to offer. Surprise yourself and others. Don’t let the fear of what people will think stop you from doing the things you want. Life is too short to abide by society’s idea of conformity. Take charge of yourself and see how much you’ve grown into a better, more learned person by going through all the challenges and experiences you’ve put up for yourself. 

Of course I'm not saying it's too late now. We must enjoy the present- the here and the now. There may have been regrets but we can make up for them now. Do the things we couldn't before. We should always choose to live in the present and make the most out of every day. 

Old and New

As a new graduate who's about to take the board exams, I find myself thinking of the future that I'm becoming more keenly aware of but I always draw a blank page. I've no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea who or what I wanna be. I'm confused. I'm lost. I know I can't escape being an adult but all I want to do is run away from my responsibilities. I want to go back to being a child who doesn't have a care in the world. Heck, I AM someone who doesn't care about what's going on around me but in my situation now, it's quite unacceptable since it is expected of me to be a person who is socially aware-someone who should contribute to society.

However, as I think about the future, I also can't help thinking back to the past. The biggest thorn I'm carrying right now is my relationship with my brother. I don't have a good relationship with him. It's been like that for almost 3 years now, I think. It started with a petty fight which I admit was my fault. A series of events happened thereafter which led to our own cold war. Our pride prevents us from mending things and this is making me sad.

Looking back I find myself to be the same person as I was before. There have been slight improvements here and there but overall, I'm still the pretentious little girl I've always been. I had hoped I'd mature from my experiences but I'm still a selfish girl who can't truly care for others. It's one of my greatest frustrations. I really want to be genuine to others and to myself but somehow there's always this wall that's keeping me from showing my true emotions. I want to be someone who puts others first before my wants but I just don't know how. I mean, in my heart I truly want the best for them but my thoughts think the opposite. So much cynicism I just can't.

The only thing I'm sure about in my life is that I want to travel. I want to go places where nobody knows me and at the same time to be anywhere where I can potentially find myself.

Parents as Precious Presents

When we were young, we looked up on our parents like they were some kind of god. They were perfect in our eyes and they couldn't possibly do anything wrong. We grew up obeying them because we have this conviction that they know what's best. But at some point, we become disillusioned and we come to see that they have their shortcomings, too. We start noticing their flaws and mistakes. But this is no reason for children to lose their respect for their parents. There is no book in the world that tells them exactly how to raise children perfectly. Parents just do their best to give their children all they need. And that is enough reason for us to respect them. They are amazing. Imagine just how hard it is raising a kid! We should never forget to thank our parents for everything they have done. They may not have given us everything we wanted but believe me, they gave their all just to provide for us.

They say children are God's gifts to parents. But the same can be said for parents. They are precious gifts given to us. We should appreciate them more and take care of them, too. We wouldn't be where we are now if it weren't for them.

Christmas 2014

You know what's the most wonderful time of the year? 

Christmas.

There is just something about this holiday that brings people together. There is magic in the air and you can just tell that it's really Christmas! 

Here's a Christmas song for this year: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams

Unlike the past 2 years, I won't be posting my Christmas wishlist. I've bought way too many books for my own good and my wallet's crying right now. Haha! I'll accept anything that comes my way. :) Oh, and I've just received the most wonderful gift this year from my aunt. I am so grateful that I won't ask for anything more this year.

Merry Christmas!

By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

"We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen."

"We are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments- but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken."

"Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back- and at some point everyone looks back- she will hear her heart saying, 'What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.'
Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by."

"We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice."

"Some people always have to be doing battle with someone, sometimes even with themselves, battling with their own lives. So they begin to create a kind of play in their head, and they write the script based on their frustrations. But the worst part is that they cannot present the play by themselves. So they begin to invite other actors to join in. Be careful. When you join in that game, you always wind up losing."

"Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown- even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to."

"The truth resides where there is faith."

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

"A scientist who studied monkeys on an island in Indonesia was able to teach a certain one to wash bananas in the river before eating them. Cleansed of sand and dirt, the food was more flavorful. The scientist- who did this only because he was studying the learning capacity of monkeys- did not imagine what would eventually happen. So he was surprised to see that the other monkeys on the island began to imitate the first one.
And then, one day, when a certain number of monkeys had learned to wash their bananas, the monkeys on all of the other islands in the archipelago began to do the same thing. What was most surprising, though, was that the other monkeys learned to do so without having had any contact with the island where the experiment had been conducted.
...when a certain number of people evolve, the entire human race begins to evolve."

"We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

"Dreams mean work."

Stagnant

I am at an age where I should be thriving, living the life, doing the things I want. I should be making fun memories that I can reminisce later on. But instead, my butt's stuck on the couch and I'm staring at a blank wall. I seem to be looking at life from where I'm sitting. I'm not actively participating in it. I've stopped trying and just let things fall wherever they may. This is bad. I've not made any effort at all to do something resembling close to productivity.

All the things I want to do I've set to a later time period with the excuse that I either don't have the money or I don't have the time right now. In the meantime, I just content myself with imagining all the things I'll do when the time comes which, let's face it, may or may never come.

I don't know when I've stopped trying. I just realized one day that I did. And I hope I'll find the drive to start living again. And this time for real.

Query 5

If you were given 3 wishes what would they be?

1. I wish to have all the books I want for free!

2. I wish for world peace. The world would be a better place if we all just get along and maybe then I wouldn't be so scared to be on my own.

3. I wish to travel the world! To go to all the places I want and more. 

Trapped

Trapped 

Kath Ponsford

I'm trapped, trapped inside myself, 

I want to get out, get out and be free

I don't want to live in my shell,

But I'm scared, scared to take away my mask.

Friends are forever letting me down,

No matter how close they are

They are there if I have a problem,

But when I don't, I may as well not exist. 

I want someone to trust and care about me, 

Someone to cry on and someone to listen

I want someone to love me for who I am,

Not the masked me whom everyone knows.

Unfortunately none of this can ever come true,

Not from someone on this earth anyway.

No one I know is perfect;

No one I know can fulfill this.

Except...

Someone I know who is watching down on everyone of us

He has a special plan and purpose for anyone who turns to Him.

There will still be hardship and sorrow,

But these will make you strong.

He can be trusted, He is ever so faithful.

He cares deeply about each person on this earth.

He can be cried upon, and will cry with you

He even puts each tear we cry in a bottle.

He is the best listener anyone could be

And most of all, He loves us for who we are

No matter what we have done.

"Who could do all this?" I hear you ask.

It's a very dear and special friend of mine called Jesus,

With whom I can take away my mask and be free.

One of the things I wish in life is that I could be myself. I wish I wasn't so scared of the people around me then maybe I'd have the courage to do as I please. And I hope that I'll be able to find someone whom I can be totally comfortable with. Someone who will understand me and accept all my flaws and weirdness. 

Anonymity

Anonymity. There is something to be desired about that. It's one of the reasons why I haven't been exactly open with my identity here.

Most of my life I have been a little recognizable. When I was young, I was a bit taller than the rest. During school years, I was smarter than the others. And now those two I've mentioned doesn't really separate me from the rest of the crowd anymore. Instead I now have something, which I can't easily get rid of, that makes me "stand out" a bit and it is not the pleasant kind of attention. And I won't say what it is.

The thing is, because of this something, people can easily remember me. With this in mind, I am more conscious of my actions because I keep thinking that they "know" me already. Whenever I go to the mall or walk around the neighborhood I feel that they are watching me. I may be over thinking this to the point that it makes me egocentric but I can't help it. If you must know, I'm not good at talking with people and I'm not comfortable being on my own when I'm out so I guess people may perceive me as someone weird or awkward when they see me out. I guess it wouldn't really matter much if I didn't have this something that makes me a little bit memorable.

It would be nice if I can be someone who would take someone else a few meetings in order to remember me. Heck, I could do a few reckless things and not worry if someone will be able to point me out! I know I'm not making much sense but if only... There is something to be desired about anonymity.