As a new graduate who's about to take the board exams, I find myself thinking of the future that I'm becoming more keenly aware of but I always draw a blank page. I've no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea who or what I wanna be. I'm confused. I'm lost. I know I can't escape being an adult but all I want to do is run away from my responsibilities. I want to go back to being a child who doesn't have a care in the world. Heck, I AM someone who doesn't care about what's going on around me but in my situation now, it's quite unacceptable since it is expected of me to be a person who is socially aware-someone who should contribute to society.
However, as I think about the future, I also can't help thinking back to the past. The biggest thorn I'm carrying right now is my relationship with my brother. I don't have a good relationship with him. It's been like that for almost 3 years now, I think. It started with a petty fight which I admit was my fault. A series of events happened thereafter which led to our own cold war. Our pride prevents us from mending things and this is making me sad.
Looking back I find myself to be the same person as I was before. There have been slight improvements here and there but overall, I'm still the pretentious little girl I've always been. I had hoped I'd mature from my experiences but I'm still a selfish girl who can't truly care for others. It's one of my greatest frustrations. I really want to be genuine to others and to myself but somehow there's always this wall that's keeping me from showing my true emotions. I want to be someone who puts others first before my wants but I just don't know how. I mean, in my heart I truly want the best for them but my thoughts think the opposite. So much cynicism I just can't.
The only thing I'm sure about in my life is that I want to travel. I want to go places where nobody knows me and at the same time to be anywhere where I can potentially find myself.
